Pensieve

I need to vent. Not the whining kind of vent, it’s not. It’s just that, everything is happening all at once, I need to clear my thoughts.

With the whole church wedding preparations, my US application which is finally taking place, my stressful work situation, down to my pending transfer to another hospital, all of this makes my thinking brain chaotic.

1. I finally managed to submit all of the updated documents to my agency for this US application. I’m just waiting to be shortlisted for the interview.

Things running on my mind: this is not the time to be thinking about having a baby. If I need to go, I need to go right away. I’ve waited almost 7 years for this.

2. Stressful work situation.

If I can’t change the situation, I need to find a way not to stress myself. This is my struggle: keeping myself from being stressed. Stress from work affects everything else. This is also not a good time for having a baby. Well, even if I don’t think about it, stress seems to prevent me from having it. So I guess it’s not a problem. I just need to work things out and learn to deal with stress in a good way.

3. Change of work environment.

Things are getting a little out of hand. My stressful work situation stems from understaffing, more overtime work with less pay, clash with a doctor, and too much politics when it comes to positions. This is where I decide whether to go or not. It took me a long time and finally, I have accepted the offer to another hospital. They were kind enough to wait for me until after my church wedding. It scares me to leave and start in a new environment but this is for my own good.

4. Church wedding

We’ve waited 2 years to get married in church. Now that we have the means, it’s finally taking place. It’s very taxing to choose a venue, a caterer, a photographer and videographer, wedding gown, flowers, name it, I’ve spent like, most of my idle time browsing on the internet. After a month or two, I have finally chosen the venue, the hotel and the official wedding photographer/videographer. Now my sister is pressuring me to make up my mind and send her the final photo of which wedding gown I choose to wear. I’m going crazy spending so much time on this thing alone that I finally decided to clean our room.

Yes. I will definitely feel much better after I clean our room. So, my sister needs to wait. Just hearing her talk on Skype about the things I need to do and the deadlines I need to meet makes me crazy that I just want to run away from it all.

Writing it all down and having a clean room clears my mind.

And oh, I cannot get pregnant, or even think about getting pregnant at all. It’ll have to wait until after the church wedding. Or wait until I settle down in the US. I don’t care about what other people say. I’ve had enough of this pregnancy issue. It’ll come at the right time. But for now, I need to live on the present and enjoy all the blessings that are coming me way.

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Mindset: Anything But Pregnancy

My blood pressure went back to normal. The Cardiologist told me not to think about my blood pressure too much. If I want to check, I should rest first before taking it, he said. And he’s right. My blood pressure is much okay after resting. My husband and I bought our own BP apparatus but ironically, we seldom use it. I stopped taking my blood pressure everyday, I didn’t go back to see the Cardiologist for my prescription (iron supplement), and I started eating unhealthy again. Well, I mean, once in a while isn’t that bad, I guess.

I didn’t go back to my OB-Gyn this month to check if I have an egg. Not because I didn’t want to but because of my work schedule. So this will be my third month of failing trying to conceive. I’m on the fifth and last day of oral antibiotics the OB-Gyn prescribed. So I will see her after 10 days. Right, and by that time, I have an unfertilized egg ready for the next cycle of menstruation.

My OB-Gyn also told me it would be better if I take the cervical cancer vaccine. But just when I have decided to take my first dose of cervical cancer vaccine this month, my colleague (who was assigned in giving the vaccine to the employees) told me that I wasn’t included in the list of employees who ordered the vaccine. I should just wait next year, she said. Great. Just great.

Mom said I need to stop thinking about trying to conceive. It’s giving me all the unnecessary stress. I wish it’s that easy. It’s like asking me to delete a part of my memory stored in the deepest recesses of my brain which activates itself without my permission. Like it’s a readily available information that pops up every time right there in front of you. It makes me think, question myself, and not doing anything about it makes me all the more frustrated.

Deep inside, I know it will come at the right time. I just needed to figure out how I can stop thinking about trying to get pregnant.

I think I will start by not blogging about it. ๐Ÿ˜

Keep Calm and Drink Coffee

My cardiologist called me yesterday to tell me my blood result. Thank goodness everything is normal except for my hemoglobin. He said I’m anemic and I need to eat green leafy vegetables. He’s still waiting for my iron result to see if he would prescribed me with supplemental iron.

I don’t bother checking my blood pressure every now and then like before. I don’t want to preoccupy myself with my blood pressure anymore. I’m normal and I’m just stressed, that’s all. I started drinking coffee again. But I’m sticking with my healthy diet. There are just some things that I can’t give up.

After my period, I need to take the antibiotics prescribed to me by my OB for my infection. Then 10 days after the antibiotics, I will see her again for follow up check up.

I need to divert my mind away from the stress of getting pregnant and stress from work. I need a new hobby. Or better yet, I need a vacation. Right, in my dreams.

Stressed Over Pressure

I finally decided to see a Cardiologist, as advised by my best friend. She told me, why should I wait till I get pregnant? It would be better to prepare myself for pregnancy and avoid any complications, she said. She has a point.

So this morning, I went to see this Cardiologist referred by my nurse in OB.

The Cardiologist is an Arab, a consultant in Cardiology and Internal Medicine. He was very nice. He took my history, did the physical exam (I didn’t know he would also check my femoral artery and I was wearing my period undies!) and the ECG. He personally took my blood pressure manually. He asked me if I’m scared and I said I was, at that time. Then he asked me to relax for a few minutes then took my BP again. The result was lower than the previous. He told me my ECG is normal, my heart and lungs are both normal. It’s just probably stress (I knew it!). But he will order some blood test and I need to do fasting. He told me he wouldn’t prescribe me any medication. i just need to have a healthy diet (oookaaay…) and avoid any stress (like how?!).

Well, that wasn’t so bad. I just went to see a Doctor to tell me to relax. I guess I have to wait for my blood test. I’m expecting a high cholesterol and sodium level. I just hope my fasting blood sugar is normal.

Stress. I guess need to do some yoga. If a patient sees doing a mountain pose at work, it’s me being stressed by that patient.

Inhale. Exhale.

The Pressure is Up!

I almost thought I was pregnant. My period didn’t arrive early this month. I didn’t have my blood checked for BHCG. But I was almost tempted to buy a pregnancy test kit. There were no usual premenstrual signs. Well, except for some zit popping out of nowhere. But today, without any warning, my period came.

I wasn’t too preoccupied about getting pregnant this month because of my hypertensive episode. Whenever I go for my OB check-up, my BP shoots up. I wasn’t minding it as I wasn’t feeling anything. Besides, I’m thinking it’s either I’m just stressed or I have white coat hypertension, or it could be both. But the nurse told me that I should observe my BP twice a day for a week to see if there’s any difference. Maybe I should go see a Cardiologist.

I borrowed my friend’s BP apparatus and monitored my BP twice a day. Since I was already aware that I may get a high BP, whenever I take my BP, I always get a high result. It’s probably just psychological, or maybe I’m in the “denial” phase of DABDA. I know, I’m already diagnosing myself. I don’t want to see a Cardiologist. I don’t want to take any medications that would lower my BP. I don’t want to depend on any medication. So what I did was, I took it out on my diet. I ate fruits and vegetables, I stopped drinking coffee, I avoided eating oily foods. In short, I started eating healthy. But I have some cheat days, especially if I see that my BP didn’t change. There were times that I get a normal BP. But most of the time, my BP ranges from 150/90 to 130/80.

Now I’m scared to get pregnant. When my BP is this high, I may have preeclampsia.

I don’t know if I should be happy that I didn’t get pregnant this month. My plan to get pregnant will be like, my death sentence if I’m still hypertensive. So, I think I should just leave it all to God then. Maybe He has a better plan.

Stressed

It’s been three weeks since the so-called fertilization period and I am ever so careful not to stress myself out for so many reasons. At work, even if there are more patients than our unit could accommodate, or even how understaffed we are, I tried to act like it’s nothing. I don’t run around like before, juggling tasks from one patient to another, careful enough not to make any mistakes. Shouting doctors and patients didn’t faze me. I acted nonchalantly, like I didn’t care if they were in a hurry. I pushed stretchers with patients heavier than me all by myself trying hard not to cry for fear of losing something I’ve been waiting for. But being exhausted from too much work and the emotional abuse I get from doctors and patients, forgetting my own basic needs just to serve those people, I was pushed to my limits. I started answering back and became sarcastic. I was really, really stressed physically, emotionally and mentally. Stressed of having a baby is the worst part of it all.

I am scheduled to have my cervical cancer vaccine on the 21st of October. I asked around if the vaccine can be given assuming I am pregnant. The nurse from the Maternity Unit told me I have to delay the vaccine if I am pregnant. So, I consulted Google and searched when is the proper time to check for my BHCG after fertilization. It says 3 weeks after the last period, I can have my blood sample taken for BHCG.

I was too scared to have my BHCG checked for fear of knowing that I’m just expecting nothing, although part of me wishes that it will give me a good news. So I went to visit my friend in the lab, in between work, to have my BHCG checked. She said she would just call me for the result. When she called me, I was as nervous as a student about to be called for a graded recitation. She didn’t tell me the result right away but when she did, it just felt like it was nothing.

“Anyway, it’s negative.”

I just found my voice quivering, like I’m about to burst out crying anytime. But I tried to wave it off like it’s not a big deal. And I just said, “so I may be able to have the vaccine after all.”

The remaining time I have at work became depressing. I tried avoiding any conversations from my colleagues and just kept myself busy. I’m still trying to convince myself that maybe, it’s still too early to tell. My friend from the lab told me to just wait if I miss my period before I take another blood test. I don’t know. I searched In Google again and it says that 3 weeks after the last period, my BHCG should be 5 and above. Mine’s 1.5. Damn Google.

I texted my Mom and she told me not to stress myself too much by thinking about getting pregnant and that I should wait if I miss my next period. I told Jess and he said we’ll just have to try again.

It’s not that easy.

Oh, well. Life’s like that.

Stress-Eating

Just when I’m about to get married, I’m eating like a Hungry Bird, ehehehe, lame joke. Seriously. When Jess and I go out and there’s no open restaurant (because it’s Ramadan), we end up going to the grocery store buying all the food we could get our hands on. It’s like going to a buffet restaurant filling up your plate with everything on the table. As they say, don’t go to the grocery store when you’re hungry because you’ll just end up buying food.

After stuffing my mouth with double chocolate chip cookies, potato chips, and sandwiches yesterday, I suddenly stopped and told Jess we should go jogging. We’re getting married in 2 days and here we are, competing on who will look the most bloated on our wedding day. So I dropped my nth cookie, changed into my jogging outfit, and ran like crazy.

It must be stress. Stress-eating? I’m not stressed because I’m marrying Jess. I’m stressed, I think, because ofย  the things we have to go through just to get married. It’s just an embassy wedding, I know. So what am I so fuzzy about? I don’t know. Maybe dealing with a lot of people, having to go through the phase of preparing to get married, or maybe I’m just thinking too much. Gemma said I’m not even having a church wedding yet and I’m acting like this is all too much. I know. Honestly, I’m a very private person. I don’t socialize much. I hate attending formal occasions. Imagine all the things I hate doing, I’m doing now just because. I’m used to being just the audience. Now I’m the center of attention. And that’s what’s making me nervous.

I will let you in on a secret. I have a terrible tantrum and that’s what I’m afraid of. When I don’t like how things work out, I throw a tantrum like a 3-year old kid, cry and act like somebody just messed with me and that you should do something to redeem myself or else I won’t stop crying till I get what I want. If I try to keep myself from crying, I’ll just pout and not say anything until someone asks me what’s wrong and that’s when I burst out crying.

I know, I’m making things too complicated. Tomorrow I’m getting married. My hair will cooperate with me and it will look perfect on my wedding day. My pimples will take a vacation and will leave my face spotless. My dress would still fit me despite the 3-day pigging out with junk food.ย  Tomorrow, I will be the prettiest bride at the embassy. Tomorrow, me and my friends are going to have fun on my after-the-wedding party. Tomorrow will be perfect. ๐Ÿ™‚