Pressure

No. This time, I’m not talking about my blood pressure.

A well-known OB-GYN specialist who conducted a seminar on infertility once told, a lot of women go for check up and find nothing wrong in their body and yet they still couldn’t get pregnant. Stress from within and the outside world can be one of the reasons. It’s hard not to think about getting pregnant but we can control that. We can divert our minds to think about anything other than pregnancy. But when the people around you are the ones giving you the stress, getting pregnant seems to get even harder. It’s the outside stress which we can’t control at all.

I tried to keep myself calm and avoided thinking about pregnancy. It will come at the right time. I stopped going to the OB clinic and tried to enjoy life as it comes. My friends, family and co-workers are all very supportive of that. I wonder why other people, especially those you meet at the corridors at work, never fail to ask me if I’m pregnant yet.

“Are you pregnant?”

“Did you know that L got pregnant? And she’s like 42 years old? You need to catch up!”

“Hey! How are you? 3 got pregnant in our department already. You got married first. When’s your turn?

“R gave birth already. She got ahead of you. How about you?”

Then my best friend called and told me she’s pregnant.

My former colleagues started telling me the news which I already know and asked, “what about you?”

It makes me feel so bad about myself. It makes me feel that something is terribly wrong with me.

One acquaintance, in her 40’s, who just gave birth to her first child, and who never fails to ask me if I’m pregnant, got the answer she deserved.

“Stop asking me, please.”

“Why?”

“How about you, when did you get pregnant?”

“After 14 years.”

“And you have the nerve to ask a newly wed everyday if she’s pregnant? You’re unbelievable!”

And so the pressure is back.

I wish I had a way to control my surroundings. That or I may have to start thinking about a witty come back for the question, “are you pregnant yet?”

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Keep Calm and Drink Coffee

My cardiologist called me yesterday to tell me my blood result. Thank goodness everything is normal except for my hemoglobin. He said I’m anemic and I need to eat green leafy vegetables. He’s still waiting for my iron result to see if he would prescribed me with supplemental iron.

I don’t bother checking my blood pressure every now and then like before. I don’t want to preoccupy myself with my blood pressure anymore. I’m normal and I’m just stressed, that’s all. I started drinking coffee again. But I’m sticking with my healthy diet. There are just some things that I can’t give up.

After my period, I need to take the antibiotics prescribed to me by my OB for my infection. Then 10 days after the antibiotics, I will see her again for follow up check up.

I need to divert my mind away from the stress of getting pregnant and stress from work. I need a new hobby. Or better yet, I need a vacation. Right, in my dreams.

The Pressure is Up!

I almost thought I was pregnant. My period didn’t arrive early this month. I didn’t have my blood checked for BHCG. But I was almost tempted to buy a pregnancy test kit. There were no usual premenstrual signs. Well, except for some zit popping out of nowhere. But today, without any warning, my period came.

I wasn’t too preoccupied about getting pregnant this month because of my hypertensive episode. Whenever I go for my OB check-up, my BP shoots up. I wasn’t minding it as I wasn’t feeling anything. Besides, I’m thinking it’s either I’m just stressed or I have white coat hypertension, or it could be both. But the nurse told me that I should observe my BP twice a day for a week to see if there’s any difference. Maybe I should go see a Cardiologist.

I borrowed my friend’s BP apparatus and monitored my BP twice a day. Since I was already aware that I may get a high BP, whenever I take my BP, I always get a high result. It’s probably just psychological, or maybe I’m in the “denial” phase of DABDA. I know, I’m already diagnosing myself. I don’t want to see a Cardiologist. I don’t want to take any medications that would lower my BP. I don’t want to depend on any medication. So what I did was, I took it out on my diet. I ate fruits and vegetables, I stopped drinking coffee, I avoided eating oily foods. In short, I started eating healthy. But I have some cheat days, especially if I see that my BP didn’t change. There were times that I get a normal BP. But most of the time, my BP ranges from 150/90 to 130/80.

Now I’m scared to get pregnant. When my BP is this high, I may have preeclampsia.

I don’t know if I should be happy that I didn’t get pregnant this month. My plan to get pregnant will be like, my death sentence if I’m still hypertensive. So, I think I should just leave it all to God then. Maybe He has a better plan.

Not Another Egg Story

A month has passed of trying to get pregnant but failed. I thought if a woman has an egg, it can be fertilized right away. But no, I was wrong. A lot of woman I know says you can’t always have it on the first try. Besides, I was too preoccupied about getting pregnant, so they say, that it’s giving me stress.

Why does life make fun of people? Women who doesn’t want to get pregnant, get pregnant, and women who wants to get pregnant doesn’t get pregnant? Maybe I should start thinking the opposite way of not wanting to get pregnant, huh?

Alright then. I stopped thinking about it for a while and started having fun. I’m a coffee addict. But I stopped because it wouldn’t be good if I’m planning to get pregnant. So there goes my addiction again, consuming at least 4 cups of coffee a day. I stopped drinking alcoholic beverages. Once in a while ain’t that bad so I gave in. I’m not an alcoholic, mind you. But sometimes I need to unwind with my friends, you know?

A lot of women I know who got pregnant told me they waited for years, 7 or 10 years, before they got pregnant. I should just wait, they said. Hell, no. If I waited that long, I would have a menopausal baby!

See, I have an inverted uterus. I had a talk with my married friends and we got to discuss about it regarding positions, and no, I don’t even want to talk about it on my blog, thank you very much. I asked my doctor about it on my appointment this month and she just told me nonchalantly that, yeah, after the, um, action, I should maintain the “muslim prayer” position, as what she calls it, for about 30 to 45 minutes.

Whoooo-aaaattt???

I just want to laugh when she said that. She looks so serious. Wait, she’s not serious, is she?

Oh, and by the way, I have an egg again.

I wish myself and my husband all the luck on having a baby. Maybe I should start thinking of a Muslim name for our baby, hmmm…?

Stressed

It’s been three weeks since the so-called fertilization period and I am ever so careful not to stress myself out for so many reasons. At work, even if there are more patients than our unit could accommodate, or even how understaffed we are, I tried to act like it’s nothing. I don’t run around like before, juggling tasks from one patient to another, careful enough not to make any mistakes. Shouting doctors and patients didn’t faze me. I acted nonchalantly, like I didn’t care if they were in a hurry. I pushed stretchers with patients heavier than me all by myself trying hard not to cry for fear of losing something I’ve been waiting for. But being exhausted from too much work and the emotional abuse I get from doctors and patients, forgetting my own basic needs just to serve those people, I was pushed to my limits. I started answering back and became sarcastic. I was really, really stressed physically, emotionally and mentally. Stressed of having a baby is the worst part of it all.

I am scheduled to have my cervical cancer vaccine on the 21st of October. I asked around if the vaccine can be given assuming I am pregnant. The nurse from the Maternity Unit told me I have to delay the vaccine if I am pregnant. So, I consulted Google and searched when is the proper time to check for my BHCG after fertilization. It says 3 weeks after the last period, I can have my blood sample taken for BHCG.

I was too scared to have my BHCG checked for fear of knowing that I’m just expecting nothing, although part of me wishes that it will give me a good news. So I went to visit my friend in the lab, in between work, to have my BHCG checked. She said she would just call me for the result. When she called me, I was as nervous as a student about to be called for a graded recitation. She didn’t tell me the result right away but when she did, it just felt like it was nothing.

“Anyway, it’s negative.”

I just found my voice quivering, like I’m about to burst out crying anytime. But I tried to wave it off like it’s not a big deal. And I just said, “so I may be able to have the vaccine after all.”

The remaining time I have at work became depressing. I tried avoiding any conversations from my colleagues and just kept myself busy. I’m still trying to convince myself that maybe, it’s still too early to tell. My friend from the lab told me to just wait if I miss my period before I take another blood test. I don’t know. I searched In Google again and it says that 3 weeks after the last period, my BHCG should be 5 and above. Mine’s 1.5. Damn Google.

I texted my Mom and she told me not to stress myself too much by thinking about getting pregnant and that I should wait if I miss my next period. I told Jess and he said we’ll just have to try again.

It’s not that easy.

Oh, well. Life’s like that.

What Ends a Statement? Period.

Warning: This may come out as gross or a little TMI to you but I have to talk about this as I am writing a journal about my planned pregnancy. Read at your own risk.

I have an irregular period. Before, it will take more than a month before my next period comes or it will take more than a week before my period stops. I have hormonal imbalance and I have been taking contraceptive pills to normalize my hormones. But that was only for 3 or 6 months. Then I will have my regular OB check up: to check my hormone levels and everything. After the pills, I still have an irregular period but at least I’m having it monthly. That was when I was still single, and that’s when I learned that I have PCOS. My doctor was urging me to get pregnant right away but I can’t because Jess and I were still studying in college at that time.

My period came a bit early this month. I took this hormone pills (Progyluton) my doctor prescribed last August and my period came after 28 days. Before September, I had my next period and I took Dostinex (Cabergoline) to normalize my Prolactin levels. After 26 days, my period came. That’s a lot of period, I know. It’s like having this bloody month not once, but twice. But wait, there’s more! As advised, I was to report to the clinic on the 11th or 12th day of my period to see if I have produced an egg. Funny, ain’t it? So I called the clinic and the nurse arranged for an appointment.

Now my husband is away saving all his, um, money. Yes, money, so we can buy a lot of stuff! And I’m here waiting to produce an egg. And if I have an egg and my husband is away saving all his, um, money, I will have to call him to come home right away. “Hey hunny, would you mind coming home and take that 2 and a half hour bus ride to Abu Dhabi because the doctor said I have an egg.”

Life is funny sometimes.

Married for a Year. Next Goal: Pregnancy

5pm

Time flies. Been married for a year already. Attempts at getting pregnant failed. Had to see an OB doctor. See, I have this Polycystic Ovary Syndrome diagnosed 10 years ago. I went to the doctor and found that I’m still not ovulating so she had me undergo treatment. By treatment, it means having to take hormone pills and fertility pills. I’m finally done with Progyluton pills. The Doctor advised me to see her on my second day of period after taking Progyluton. Today is my first day. Tomorrow I’ll see my OB doctor. Tonight, I have to work.