Pressure

No. This time, I’m not talking about my blood pressure.

A well-known OB-GYN specialist who conducted a seminar on infertility once told, a lot of women go for check up and find nothing wrong in their body and yet they still couldn’t get pregnant. Stress from within and the outside world can be one of the reasons. It’s hard not to think about getting pregnant but we can control that. We can divert our minds to think about anything other than pregnancy. But when the people around you are the ones giving you the stress, getting pregnant seems to get even harder. It’s the outside stress which we can’t control at all.

I tried to keep myself calm and avoided thinking about pregnancy. It will come at the right time. I stopped going to the OB clinic and tried to enjoy life as it comes. My friends, family and co-workers are all very supportive of that. I wonder why other people, especially those you meet at the corridors at work, never fail to ask me if I’m pregnant yet.

“Are you pregnant?”

“Did you know that L got pregnant? And she’s like 42 years old? You need to catch up!”

“Hey! How are you? 3 got pregnant in our department already. You got married first. When’s your turn?

“R gave birth already. She got ahead of you. How about you?”

Then my best friend called and told me she’s pregnant.

My former colleagues started telling me the news which I already know and asked, “what about you?”

It makes me feel so bad about myself. It makes me feel that something is terribly wrong with me.

One acquaintance, in her 40’s, who just gave birth to her first child, and who never fails to ask me if I’m pregnant, got the answer she deserved.

“Stop asking me, please.”

“Why?”

“How about you, when did you get pregnant?”

“After 14 years.”

“And you have the nerve to ask a newly wed everyday if she’s pregnant? You’re unbelievable!”

And so the pressure is back.

I wish I had a way to control my surroundings. That or I may have to start thinking about a witty come back for the question, “are you pregnant yet?”

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Mindset: Anything But Pregnancy

My blood pressure went back to normal. The Cardiologist told me not to think about my blood pressure too much. If I want to check, I should rest first before taking it, he said. And he’s right. My blood pressure is much okay after resting. My husband and I bought our own BP apparatus but ironically, we seldom use it. I stopped taking my blood pressure everyday, I didn’t go back to see the Cardiologist for my prescription (iron supplement), and I started eating unhealthy again. Well, I mean, once in a while isn’t that bad, I guess.

I didn’t go back to my OB-Gyn this month to check if I have an egg. Not because I didn’t want to but because of my work schedule. So this will be my third month of failing trying to conceive. I’m on the fifth and last day of oral antibiotics the OB-Gyn prescribed. So I will see her after 10 days. Right, and by that time, I have an unfertilized egg ready for the next cycle of menstruation.

My OB-Gyn also told me it would be better if I take the cervical cancer vaccine. But just when I have decided to take my first dose of cervical cancer vaccine this month, my colleague (who was assigned in giving the vaccine to the employees) told me that I wasn’t included in the list of employees who ordered the vaccine. I should just wait next year, she said. Great. Just great.

Mom said I need to stop thinking about trying to conceive. It’s giving me all the unnecessary stress. I wish it’s that easy. It’s like asking me to delete a part of my memory stored in the deepest recesses of my brain which activates itself without my permission. Like it’s a readily available information that pops up every time right there in front of you. It makes me think, question myself, and not doing anything about it makes me all the more frustrated.

Deep inside, I know it will come at the right time. I just needed to figure out how I can stop thinking about trying to get pregnant.

I think I will start by not blogging about it. 😁

Stressed Over Pressure

I finally decided to see a Cardiologist, as advised by my best friend. She told me, why should I wait till I get pregnant? It would be better to prepare myself for pregnancy and avoid any complications, she said. She has a point.

So this morning, I went to see this Cardiologist referred by my nurse in OB.

The Cardiologist is an Arab, a consultant in Cardiology and Internal Medicine. He was very nice. He took my history, did the physical exam (I didn’t know he would also check my femoral artery and I was wearing my period undies!) and the ECG. He personally took my blood pressure manually. He asked me if I’m scared and I said I was, at that time. Then he asked me to relax for a few minutes then took my BP again. The result was lower than the previous. He told me my ECG is normal, my heart and lungs are both normal. It’s just probably stress (I knew it!). But he will order some blood test and I need to do fasting. He told me he wouldn’t prescribe me any medication. i just need to have a healthy diet (oookaaay…) and avoid any stress (like how?!).

Well, that wasn’t so bad. I just went to see a Doctor to tell me to relax. I guess I have to wait for my blood test. I’m expecting a high cholesterol and sodium level. I just hope my fasting blood sugar is normal.

Stress. I guess need to do some yoga. If a patient sees doing a mountain pose at work, it’s me being stressed by that patient.

Inhale. Exhale.

The Ova

I’m actually contemplating on whether I should write this down as part of my planned pregnancy journal. Maybe it will be too graphic like I was writing a Fifty Shades kind of thing. But what the heck.

Last Saturday was my OB appointment. Luckily, my husband was able to accompany me. As I was being prep for the ultrasound, my mind was focusing on the ultrasound monitor to reveal an egg.

Please let me have an egg! Please let me have an egg!

My thoughts were kind of distracted when the doctor started my ultrasound. I was looking at the monitor and I don’t know what was going on. There was this oval-shaped thing that the doctor was putting a line on and the picture would stop. Then she would probe again and if she sees a significant image, she would make another line and it will stop, like taking a photo or something. Then at last, she explained to me what the oval thing was and the other shape that she highlighted. It wasn’t sinking in because the doctor was talking nonsense to me.

“Blah, blah, blah, ova.”

Wait, did she just say OVA as in EGG?

Then she started explaining to me the other significant image that she highlighted which was my endometrium, as it was ready for fertilization.

The she said, “so today and for the next two days you and your husband should have contact because after the third day, the fertilized egg should be released in your endometrium.”

I was like, what?

Then I casually asked, “so doctor, I have an ova?” like it was a perfectly normal thing and haven’t undergone an emotional turmoil.

The doctor said, “yes, you have an ova and it’s ready to be fertilized.”

I feel like a specimen, or a plant.

After the ultrasound, the doctor told me she still needs to monitor my prolactin levels because in some cases when the medication stops, it rises again and it will not be good for bearing a child.

So basically, this is like, the good news first then the bad news.

My husband was totally clueless after my check-up because he didn’t understand all the medical terms that has been said. I just smiled and said, “I have an egg.”

And he was so happy like I just told him I’m pregnant.

Now I’m hoping and praying for this egg to be fertilized in three days. 😊

I Have Milk!

After 12 days of having my blood test (TSH and Prolactin), I was wondering why the nurse didn’t call me for the results yet when she promised me she’d call after 3 or 5 days. Well, I’m a very patient girl and I’m thinking, maybe it’s not ready yet. But hey, who are they kidding? The nurse definitely forgot to call me back.

So as soon as I wake up today, I dialed the clinic’s number and requested to speak with my Doctor’s nurse. Then she said she will call me back to check the results. I didn’t even mention that she didn’t call me after 3 or 5 days like she promised. But I waited for her call. After 5 minutes she called me back. She said my TSH is normal but my Prolactin is high. Okay, so my memory is kinda rusty at the moment but I have an inkling that Prolactin has something to do with the milk production. I asked the nurse what does it mean having a high Prolactin, expecting a different answer. She said I have a high milk production.

(blank face)

Is she kidding? I mean, should I be happy? I’m not even a mother yet but I have the capacity to breastfeed? Then she asked, “you want to get pregnant, right?” What does having an increase milk production got to do with getting pregnant? A lot of things are going on in my head right now and I almost didn’t hear her say that she will show the results to my doctor tomorrow because she forgot. There you go.

If I hadn’t called, my next period will arrive and I still haven’t started taking my fertility pills yet.

But I forgive you nurse. I understand because I’m a nurse myself. But I also want to be a mother soon. So please, don’t be so forgetful next time, okay?

I still cannot believe I have an increase milk production.😓