Stressed

It’s been three weeks since the so-called fertilization period and I am ever so careful not to stress myself out for so many reasons. At work, even if there are more patients than our unit could accommodate, or even how understaffed we are, I tried to act like it’s nothing. I don’t run around like before, juggling tasks from one patient to another, careful enough not to make any mistakes. Shouting doctors and patients didn’t faze me. I acted nonchalantly, like I didn’t care if they were in a hurry. I pushed stretchers with patients heavier than me all by myself trying hard not to cry for fear of losing something I’ve been waiting for. But being exhausted from too much work and the emotional abuse I get from doctors and patients, forgetting my own basic needs just to serve those people, I was pushed to my limits. I started answering back and became sarcastic. I was really, really stressed physically, emotionally and mentally. Stressed of having a baby is the worst part of it all.

I am scheduled to have my cervical cancer vaccine on the 21st of October. I asked around if the vaccine can be given assuming I am pregnant. The nurse from the Maternity Unit told me I have to delay the vaccine if I am pregnant. So, I consulted Google and searched when is the proper time to check for my BHCG after fertilization. It says 3 weeks after the last period, I can have my blood sample taken for BHCG.

I was too scared to have my BHCG checked for fear of knowing that I’m just expecting nothing, although part of me wishes that it will give me a good news. So I went to visit my friend in the lab, in between work, to have my BHCG checked. She said she would just call me for the result. When she called me, I was as nervous as a student about to be called for a graded recitation. She didn’t tell me the result right away but when she did, it just felt like it was nothing.

“Anyway, it’s negative.”

I just found my voice quivering, like I’m about to burst out crying anytime. But I tried to wave it off like it’s not a big deal. And I just said, “so I may be able to have the vaccine after all.”

The remaining time I have at work became depressing. I tried avoiding any conversations from my colleagues and just kept myself busy. I’m still trying to convince myself that maybe, it’s still too early to tell. My friend from the lab told me to just wait if I miss my period before I take another blood test. I don’t know. I searched In Google again and it says that 3 weeks after the last period, my BHCG should be 5 and above. Mine’s 1.5. Damn Google.

I texted my Mom and she told me not to stress myself too much by thinking about getting pregnant and that I should wait if I miss my next period. I told Jess and he said we’ll just have to try again.

It’s not that easy.

Oh, well. Life’s like that.

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