I’m Allowed to Feel This Way

Loss of interest in any activity, weight loss, decrease in appetite, hypersomnia, feelings of worthlessness, withdrawn.

I just diagnosed myself.

Any person can feel this way and I’m going through it right now. I allow myself to let go of my emotions as long as I know how to deal with it. I nurture each and every emotion that I experience as it is a part of life. But I don’t let myself become enslave with these negative emotions as it tends to take away my whole being, leaving me lifeless.

When a person is in this state, whatever encouragement you give becomes irrelevant. What matters most is what the person thinks about his/herself. I know, because I’ve been battling with depression (repeatedly) all my life.

When I try to look back at what I’ve been through before and how I’ve managed to overcome the most tragic events in my life, I tell myself that I’m a strong person and that nothing can faze me. But then there are certain things that are beyond my control which tend to catch me unaware and unprepared. It attacks my weakest point until I cave in. It makes me feel helpless, worthless.

When I was younger, it may come as a bit of a shock, but I’ve thought about having suicide. But I’m glad I’m too coward to do it. But I admit, I’ve thought of doing it in my mind a million times. So when my Dad did it, that’s when I stopped thinking about it.

Life stopped at that moment. Couldn’t it get any harder than this? Does being strong equate to not showing grief? Not crying? Or maybe I’ve become numb from everything that hurts my feelings. I remained strong for my Mom. I let my family pour out their emotions. That’s when I realized, it’s better to let go of your emotions so that you’ll feel better after. I just kept to myself. I realized how depressed I was when I unknowingly isolated myself from everybody. It went on for years.

I was able to battle that depression and turned it into something that I know my Dad will be proud of. I tried to excel in everything. I made my family proud. My family and I became much closer. Now we don’t forget to say “I love you” to each other. Life became much easier to handle. I became myself again. Funny, witty…sarcastic.

But I guess at some point in your life, some things will just pop up unexpectedly, probably testing how far you’d go. Well, I know I’m strong and that I can face anything. But then when things go wrong and that no matter what I do, I still end up at the losing end, I just let my guard down and cry. I’m weak trying to be strong. How far can I go?

I write it all down. That way I can analyze what’s wrong with me and what I should do about it. Then I think about all the hardships I’ve encountered and how I’ve overcome it. I know this is just another phase. I’m sure I’ll be looking back again to this day and smile at how shallow I was.

There. I’m ready. I just rested my weary mind and body.

Life is hard. But I’d say, “Bring it on bitch!”


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