I came home exhausted from work. As soon as a got off the hospital bus, I opted to walk rather lazily, savoring each steps (unlike my usual in-a-rush walk), feeling the cool wind blowing on my face, and just let my mind set adrift. I breathe a long and heavy sigh. Day off at long last. I’ve been working very hard, pushing myself to the limits. I strive for the best. Sorry, but all of this for nothing. At least that’s what it feels like.
Just before I open the door of our flat, I can distinctly hear my room mates’ laughter in the kitchen while sharing stories. When they saw me, they started making some jokes, as usual, but instead of giving them a witty come back, I just smiled politely just to acknowledge their presence, then I went straight to our room. Our new room mate was there, smiled and asked how my day was and I just smiled back. I’m not in the mood to talk and have a chitchat with anyone at the moment. C was there as well (she’s my second closest room mate-friend next to J who moved to another flat). I just smiled at her and she asked me if I had my dinner. I just nodded though I haven’t had any dinner and I’m not planning on eating as I’m not in the mood to eat.
Everybody went out that night and despite their invitations, I decided to stay home. Alone. I made myself some coffee, slumped on the floor with my back against the wall, sipped on my coffee and my mind just instantly replayed all the things I went through. Then all of a sudden, I just cried.
I don’t know why I cried. Was it from sheer exhaustion? Self-pity? Homesickness? Maybe my patience cup just filled to the brim that it couldn’t contain itself any longer. I’ve been through a lot and I’ve been brave enough to face all of my challenges even if at times I’ve wanted to give up.
I’ve made decisions. I’ve chosen my path. It isn’t a very pleasant journey but I tried to make every journey worthwhile. I stumble and fall but I get up again. I’m not a quitter. And I don’t leave something undone. I may look weak but I’m a strong person inside. I may cry easily but just to make myself feel better after. Yes, I handle my problems like a dog. I piss on it and just walk away. And today is just one of those days…
I got up from the floor, wiped away my tears and decided to do my laundry. Thank goodness no one was around as I cry in peace. Anyone who will see me crying while I’m staring at the washing machine might think that I’ve gone crazy. I don’t know why I can’t stop crying. I MUST be crazy. If anyone asked why I’m crying, I might answer (in between sobs) “I-I-I-m e-e-e-exhausted fr-fr-fr-from wwwwork, huhuhuhu!” No one will take me seriously for that!
But someone DID ask and guess what, I DID answer like that, like a 2 year-old brat who got scolded by her mom. C came back dragging J to see me. C said when I came home, she knew right away that I might cry any moment. That’s when I poured everything out. They listened and just let me cry.
I felt good afterward. It felt refreshing. It’s good to have friends you can cry on.
Now back to my journey…:)