Remembering Grandma…

Found this old post which made me cry…

Tuesday, December 30, 2003

10:39 am

My Lola (grandma) is 92 years old. She always says that she’ll die soon but for me, she’s still strong despite of her age. I feel ready anytime Lola will pass away. I’m not being rude or anything. I love Lola very much even though she’s being unruly most of the time. I admire her strength. I think most of it comes from God. Lola has a very strong faith in God. Maybe that’s why she’s living a very long life.

I always know when Lola is around. I could hear her slow gait when she’s approaching. I always think what if she died? Would I still hear her slow footsteps? That thought makes me shiver…

I want to take care of my Lola. But I’m not used to taking care of my family. It feels awkward. I feel guilty at times when I take care of other people when I don’t even know how to take care of my own family. But I do help Lola ease her pain when she asks me to. And she’s always grateful every time I attend to her needs. She always says how her pain was eased because of me even though all I did was to massage her aching joint. My dad is another case. He’s diabetic and hypertensive. He had a mild stroke once but he recovered from it. Now he regularly visits the doctor for his health maintenance. But dad can be as stubborn as a bull. He doesn’t watch his diet. He eats whatever that suits him. He always says why do we deprive him of the good things? That’s why they created medicines. Yeah right! I think dad would die ahead of Lola. At least Lola knows how to take care of her health. How I wish dad would do the same.

(Dad died last October 22, 2004 while Lola died last August 25, 2005)


September 5, 2005

8:17 am

I’m here in our house in Isabela writing in my Dad’s lesson plan notebook here in Lola’s room. Lola’s gone…she passed away on the eve of August 25, 2005, exactly one month since I came back to Manila, and a day after Mom’s birthday…

Lola’s been bedridden since June 24, 2005, after I passed my Nursing Licensure Examination. I took care of her from the day she got sick. I was doing okay then, having to attend to all of her needs, but Lola has been too hard-headed that she insisted on doing everything her way. She wanted to become independent despite her already frail body. Lola was 94 years old. She thought she could still do everything like before even if her body was already failing her. I lost my patience once when she insisted on doing something which I forbade her not to. She got mad and threw her blanket at me. I stormed out of her room and told Mom that I needed a break. I needed a time out for me to be able to gather myself. I really have a bad temper and I wouldn’t want to take it all out on Lola. So Mom took care of her. She would attend to her needs before she goes to work that make her REALLY late for work. When she arrives home, she checks on Lola first. I felt really, really guilty…

Looking at Lola then, I knew she has forgotten all about it and has forgiven me for it. When I started going to her room to check on her and feed her, it really hurts me to see her exert some effort to eat. I knew she couldn’t taste her food anymore. She couldn’t even chew it. When she wants to pee, she couldn’t make it in time. She would pee all over her bed and all over the floor before she could even reach her commode. Lola doesn’t even want us to bathe her. She would bathe by herself. She wouldn’t even know what time and date it was. So I placed a calendar with large prints in front of her bed and a clock with large numbers that every morning when I go to her room to open her windows to let some fresh air in, Lola would wake up and I would then orient her of the date and time. But sometimes, even if I have just oriented her, she would still ask me what time we will go to mass and if we’re already late. Despite her condition, she still wanted to attend mass.

I cleaned her room, combed her hair, and wash her face so she would feel refreshed. Mom hired Auntie Toring to take care of Lola when I go back to Manila. I had to go back to take care of some things. I told Lola, while tying her hair in a knot so it would not cover her face, that I have to go back to Manila. She asked me why and told her the reason. She didn’t say anything. I would stay in her room quite often to see how she is doing. She would be very cooperative with me and do everything I say.

I couldn’t forget the day when I had to leave. I went to Lola’s room to tell her that I’m leaving. She wanted to get up from her bed so I helped her. It was raining then and she told me she wanted to walk with me even just at the door to watch me go. Lola was too weak to even get up but she still insisted. She held on to me as we walk out of her room. Mom called out and told me that the bus has arrived. So I told Lola that I really have to go, there’s no more time. Her grip was too tight like she doesn’t want to let me go. Mom was already angry because I might miss the bus. So I hugged Lola, kissed her goodbye and tried to remove her grip from me. I ran outside to catch the bus, not knowing that it would be my last time to see her…


I had to stay to help clean the house after Lola’s burial. Now looking at Lola’s room spick-and-span, I wonder where she is…I know one thing for sure though, Lola doesn’t feel pain anymore… I know she’s happy wherever she is…


I hope I didn’t bore anyone with this super long entry. 🙂


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