Starting a New Life in a 46kg Luggage


photo credits from Pinterest

As I stare at the mess in our room, the travel bags, mountainful of clothes, unkempt laundry, documents and other trinkets, I feel so overwhelmed that I can’t help but to reminisce.

More than 5 years ago, I started my life in Abu Dhabi, UAE with a 30kg luggage on hand. I had $1000 and a pocketful of hope. I eventually found a job, rented a 900dhs bed space in a cramped bedroom and started living independently. I met new friends and built new memories away from home.

I married a year after (to my boyfriend of 12 years) and moved out. We accumulated a lot of stuffs and memories together.

Now onto the next chapter, we’re finally heading another path. In 12 days, we’ll be moving out to another country.

I started by emptying out our drawers and found a lot of sentimental stuff that may not mean so much to other people, but it means a whole lot to us. How can I throw away the small love notes that we leave everytime we don’t see each other? And how about the things we bought that we love so much but can’t bring it with us? I guess we have been too attached to things and memories that it makes it hard for us to let go.

Then I remembered the 30kg luggage when I started my life here. It may look so easy but before I came down to 30kg, I had a hard time parting with the things I love. But I was able to go through it without any regret.

Now that I’m gonna start a brand new life in another country with my husband, trying to fit our lives in a 46kg luggage each is also a big challenge. But as we try to sort out again and again the things we need to bring from the things we need to let go whole heartedly, we finally learn that starting all over again and leaving the old stuff behind is the only way to do it. 

Now, as I stare into the pile of accumulated things and memories, I think I’m ready to start a whole new life with my husband.

Nursing. It’s not for EVERYONE.

  I don’t think Nursing is for me. 

Nursing is for people who have a lot of patience, who can endure long hours of work (and additional hours if required), who can sacrifice family and other important matters just to be there for the patients. Nursing is for those who can tolerate being shouted at, berrated and demanded of all the things needed to be done, sometimes forgetting that a Nurse has some needs too, which is frequently ignored in order to fulfill his/her duty. Nursing is for those who can maintain their composure even if the people around them are insulting them or trying to put them down.

Nursing is for people who goes out of their way helping patients in need even if it’s out of their job description. Nursing is for those who knows how to separate their own personal feelings when they have done the best they could and still lose a patient. Nurses strive to help the sick and the dying, even risking their own health. 

Nursing is for those who can work even if they are not appreciated for all the hard work they’ve done. Nursing is for those who feels that even if the world around them seems to crumble, a simple and sincere gesture from someone who finally appreciated them means a whole lot more than a plaque or an award from the hospital management. 

All of that said, and being a Nurse for almost 8 years, I know that this job is not for me. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve gone through all these things. I saw that despite the working condition of the Nurses, they are one of the happiest people I know. Team work is highly developed and they will be your family away from home. 

But I cannot imagine myself doing this for the rest of my life. I am not a people person. I am happiest working on my own space away from the crowd. I derive my energy doing things on my own in a systematic way. I love to write. I love to read. I love observing people. I love talking to them about their life. I love to ponder on things.  I love to just be in a corner and enjoy nature, listen to people chat without being interested, watching stray cats and birds flocking, or anything that looks interesting. I love a small crowd of people whom I share the same point of view. I love nonsense conversations as well as intelligent ones. I am happiest when I can be with myself.

Nursing can define a person. Not all Nurses are alike. I’ve seen Nurses who are truly dedicated to service. Those are the kind of Nurses who should be running the hospitals.

Nursing is not a career. It is a calling. I salute all the Nurses out there around the world. You have all my respect. You are a modern day hero. 

As for me, well, I hope I can finally find my true calling. I am still a Nurse though, in a true sense of the word. It’s a tough job. But I still think it’s not for me.

Ella’s Bookshelf

   I’ve been chatting with my Nursing school college friends on Facebook messenger group chat, when I just suddenly told them to read a book which is highly recommended by Ella’s Bookshelf. I just coined the term without giving any thought about it. My friend seemed to find the name a bit catchy and told me why not start a blog and name it Ella’s Bookshelf. I quickly waved it off and thought that I don’t even have enough time to read much less to blog. I mean, I do have THIS blog, which I rarely visit. How can I even start a new one? Although it’s a really nice idea. Then my friend talked about writing a review about the books I’ve read and they will just visit my blog to see which books are highly recommended by me. Then another friend replied and she seemed excited about the idea of a new blog. 

Ella’s Bookshelf. I do have a lot in mind on what to write.  Now I’m thinking about it. It makes a lot of sense to write a review on every book that I read. I’m not after the viewers, the stats, or the number of visitors who leave a comment. I’m a very, very private person. I just want to write my thoughts whenever I feel like it. 

Now my problem is, how do I start?

Trying to Stay Positive in a Negative Environment

I’ve been diligently reading books and articles about positive thinking, being happy, and watching videos or listening to positive affirmations over and over. I’ve been doing this on and off ever since I can remember.

But it’s so easy to forget everything I’ve learned once I get overwhelmed at work. I work as a Registered Nurse in a hospital, in an Emergency Room. Imagine how stressful that place is. I don’t think I need to give you a mental picture. I know you can imagine how full of negative energy the atmosphere is. 

I often arrive home from work exhausted, upset from being shouted at by patients, patient’s relatives or friends, doctors, other nurses, not to mention the overwhelming workload from being understaffed and trying to juggle one patient to another. I often find myself shouting back, defending myself and feeling that I had enough. I almost want to quit.

But I’m not a quitter. Whenever I go home and try to do some meditation or listen to audiobooks regarding positive affirmations and positive thinking, I often wonder if I’m on the right place. Do I really like my job? Am I happy and contented in my chosen career? And in my heart, there was a faint feeling of hesitancy. 

I may read all the books about positive thinking. I may meditate often. But if I’m not happy with where I am, I don’t think it’ll work. I know what I just said is negative. But I also learned that, to be able to be happy, you must love what you do.

That’s the conflict I’m in right now. How do I stay positive in a very negative place? It’s like trying to go in an exit or trying to go out in an entrance. People will block your way. It’s like trying to defy gravity. Gravity always wins. Then you stop struggling and just go with the flow.

Now this is my challenge. For 60 days, I will try to listen to positive affirmations until it’s embedded in my subconciousness. I will not give up. I want to see if I can remain like a lotus flower. I will rise and bloom amidst the murky water.

Living in a Muslim Country

I’ve been living in a Muslim country for more than 5 years now. The first time I came here, I was woken up by the prayer in a mosque nearby. I thought I was dreaming. For a while there, I felt lost and confused as to where I am at that moment. I hear the Muslim prayer everywhere: in the bus, in the supermarket, even in the ringtones of some Muslims. I got used to it eventually. Even if I don’t understand it, it felt sacred and peaceful.

Everywhere around, you can see a mosque. Muslims pray 5 times each day called salah. I admire their faith and dedication. Almost everyone greets you Assalamualaikum (peace be upon you). Everyone calls each other brother or sister. It makes me think that Muslim people are peace-loving people in general. But it makes me confused as to why there is war in the Middle Eastern countries.

I was able to embrace the Muslim culture. I have a very high respect for the Muslim community. I have learned some Arabic words like Bismillah (in the name of Allah/God), Masha’allah (in God’s will, or something as an expression of appreciation), Insha’allah (God-willing), and some other positive or good Arabic words that use to praise or greet a Muslim.

I still preserve my Christianity though. I was born and raised a Catholic and I still observe the Catholic traditions. I am very thankful for this country for allowing other people to practice their religion. I was taught in Catholic school to respect other religions as well, because we all pray to one God.

I am not purely religious though. Religion doesn’t dictate my faith. My faith is between God and me; respect in humanity, in all living things, and the world we live in.

Being in a Muslim country has taught me the true meaning of Faith. It taught me that we are all brothers and sisters regardless of race and religion. I still don’t understand why there is war though. But one thing I’ve learned is that, being a Muslim doesn’t associate one as being a terrorist.

I love my Muslim brothers and sisters. Peace be upon you. Assalamualaikum.


Morning Has Broken

I diligently programmed myself yesterday to start waking up early everyday at 4 o’clock in the morning. Early mornings, right when everyone else lies peacefully sleeping in their beds, are the most peaceful and the most valuable moments to start off your day right, as Robin Sharma points out in his book. This is the golden time where you can think clearly and appreciate everything in your life. Starting your day right means programming yourself that no matter what happens during the entire day, you will end the day still feeling great about yourself.

I started off by writing down 5 short term goals in the night, unplugging the technologies that offers distraction, and spending quality time with my husband. Right before sleep, I vowed on self-discipline to be able to reach my short term goals.

And so, my alarm went on at 4 o’clock in the morning, did some yoga exercise for 15 minutes, ab workout for another 15 minutes (eherm…um, yeah), and studied my ACLS manual.

At 5:45 am, I went to the kitchen to fix some breakfast and finish just in time as my husband woke up. Then we had breakfast together before he went for work.

It feels refreshing and invigorating to do a lot of things in such a short period of time. When you program yourself everyday to think that today is your last day on earth makes you do things that you feel happy doing. It just feels great.

I wish everyone to be at their best everyday. Live as if it’s your last.


Ever since I started reading the books of Robin Sharma, watched his videos on Youtube while preparing for work, I began feeling less stressed.

There are too many distractions to keep you from finding your inner self. Most of our time are taken away by technology, by our problems, and other things that are bugging our minds. It’s so easy to complain and stay in our comfort zone. We fail to realize that once life gets harder, it means you’re leveling up, and when you surpass that level, it feels great. Achieving something takes hard work. Nothing comes easy. We must learn to see hardships not as an obstacle, but as an opportunity to grow and learn more about life.

Life is beautiful. In all sense of the word, I have finally realized what it means. In order to see it’s beauty, avoid all the unnecessary clutter in your life and try to focus on what’s more important. We must live in simplicity. Too many choices can deplete your mind. Did you ever experience buying something and when you get to the store, you are faced with so many choices that you spend so much time choosing what you really want?

We must practice self-discipline. We must learn to master our thoughts. And in order to achieve that, we must eliminate all the unnecessary clutter that distract us.

Have a nice day.

A Cluttered Mind

My mind is restless. I have so many things to do today that I ended up doing nothing. Then I tried to list down the things I needed to do to stay focused and organized but the list just sat listlessly on the table.

Let me share how cluttered my mind is, right now. Here’s a glimpse:

Yesterday, my husband and I went to my best friend’s daughter’s 7th birthday party. After the party, I stayed in my best friend’s flat while waiting for my husband, who excused himself in the middle of the party, to attend an orientation for Architecture class. I was surprised. He never mentioned it to me before. But I’m so glad that he finally decided on something that will upgrade his degree.

While waiting for my husband, I watched my best friend’s daughter, who was so excited opening all of her gifts. When she was holding my gift, I warned her not to cry if she ended up not liking it. It will break my heart, I said to her. So she opened it carefully while I was watching her expression. I didn’t give her a book this time. She pulled a pink package and read, “My secret diary.” Her eyes lit up, hugged the gift and told me, “How did you know I love writing?” How did I know? Most readers are (closet) writers. I just smiled at her and told her, “I’m glad you liked it this time.”

I asked her a question, “why did you cry last time when I gave you books?” I know the answer, I just want to hear how she would answer my question. Then she whispered in my ear, “I only read books when no one is watching.”

I laughed. I remember when I was in first grade (I didn’t attend any kindergarten class). Mom bought a phonetics book and Aesop’s Fables for me from a man on the street who sells different kinds of books. I looked at it and it didn’t look interesting at all. It came with a cassette tape. Mom would play the tape on our cassette player and I would listen to it. I memorized the stories on Aesop’s Fables effortlessly, including the phonetics. Then, once they are not around, I would sit quietly in one corner, and begin reading until I get lost in my own world.

I got the chance to talk to my best friend’s youngest brother (same age as me). He’s been married for 5 years and still childless. His wife also talked about being depressed and being asked a couple of times why they don’t have a baby yet. Her husband suffered from self-pity that he ended up going to a Psychiatrist for help. They are both so stressed that the only thing that makes them feel good is shopping. They have an endless loan in the bank with no savings or investment. Her husband even got to the point of telling her to ask another man to get her pregnant because he’s useless.

Stories like that makes me think about my own life. You choose your path when faced with adversity. How many times did I want to give up?

I called Mom today. I told her all the good things that are coming our way and she’s very happy for me. I listened to her advice and reflected on it. Hardships play an important part in our life. For without it, how can we learn?

I am thankful. I am grateful. I am blessed.


I need to vent. Not the whining kind of vent, it’s not. It’s just that, everything is happening all at once, I need to clear my thoughts.

With the whole church wedding preparations, my US application which is finally taking place, my stressful work situation, down to my pending transfer to another hospital, all of this makes my thinking brain chaotic.

1. I finally managed to submit all of the updated documents to my agency for this US application. I’m just waiting to be shortlisted for the interview.

Things running on my mind: this is not the time to be thinking about having a baby. If I need to go, I need to go right away. I’ve waited almost 7 years for this.

2. Stressful work situation.

If I can’t change the situation, I need to find a way not to stress myself. This is my struggle: keeping myself from being stressed. Stress from work affects everything else. This is also not a good time for having a baby. Well, even if I don’t think about it, stress seems to prevent me from having it. So I guess it’s not a problem. I just need to work things out and learn to deal with stress in a good way.

3. Change of work environment.

Things are getting a little out of hand. My stressful work situation stems from understaffing, more overtime work with less pay, clash with a doctor, and too much politics when it comes to positions. This is where I decide whether to go or not. It took me a long time and finally, I have accepted the offer to another hospital. They were kind enough to wait for me until after my church wedding. It scares me to leave and start in a new environment but this is for my own good.

4. Church wedding

We’ve waited 2 years to get married in church. Now that we have the means, it’s finally taking place. It’s very taxing to choose a venue, a caterer, a photographer and videographer, wedding gown, flowers, name it, I’ve spent like, most of my idle time browsing on the internet. After a month or two, I have finally chosen the venue, the hotel and the official wedding photographer/videographer. Now my sister is pressuring me to make up my mind and send her the final photo of which wedding gown I choose to wear. I’m going crazy spending so much time on this thing alone that I finally decided to clean our room.

Yes. I will definitely feel much better after I clean our room. So, my sister needs to wait. Just hearing her talk on Skype about the things I need to do and the deadlines I need to meet makes me crazy that I just want to run away from it all.

Writing it all down and having a clean room clears my mind.

And oh, I cannot get pregnant, or even think about getting pregnant at all. It’ll have to wait until after the church wedding. Or wait until I settle down in the US. I don’t care about what other people say. I’ve had enough of this pregnancy issue. It’ll come at the right time. But for now, I need to live on the present and enjoy all the blessings that are coming me way.

A Farewell to an Angel

They finally decided to bring home their son’s body. Yesterday was his 9th day. We had 9 days of prayer offered to him. He remained in the morgue until his parents have arranged all the papers needed to take him home.

At first, they have decided to cremate him for practical purposes. Bringing home a dead body is expensive. But friends and relatives spoke with the couple that they will help with the expenses just so they can bring the boy’s body home in the Philippines.

They haven’t been home for 7 years. The boy hasn’t seen the Philippines since he was born. Now, he will be buried in a home country he had never known.

I haven’t seen him since he passed away. I’d like to keep a memory of him smiling with his parents. His sufferings have finally ended. I know he’s happy wherever he is right now.

May God bless his soul. May God bless his parents.