For the Love of Him

I love my husband.

I love the way he looks at me like I’m the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. I have all the insecurities in the world and he makes me feel perfect.

I love the way he rushes home from work just in time to see me and will hug me tight, plant small kisses and tell me how much he missed me.

I love the way he takes care of everything. When I make a mess out of cooking, he will fix it and turn it into a delicious meal.

I love those moments when we’re walking hand in hand. He makes me feel safe and secure.

I love how he laughs at me and hugs me when I cry in a movie.

I love those quiet moments when we’re watching a movie at home, his arms around me and my head on his shoulders. It feels like I’m in a comfort zone.

I love how he makes me laugh when I’m sad and how he understands and keeps quiet when I need some space.

He knows how to make me happy.

He has seen the worst in me and still accepted me for who I am.

He never fails to say that he loves me.

I love him dearly. I cannot imagine myself without him.

We’ve known each other for 13 years. We found each other and were never apart. We are each other’s first and last love.

Looking forward to more years of happiness and togetherness, and overcoming challenges.

Pressure

No. This time, I’m not talking about my blood pressure.

A well-known OB-GYN specialist who conducted a seminar on infertility once told, a lot of women go for check up and find nothing wrong in their body and yet they still couldn’t get pregnant. Stress from within and the outside world can be one of the reasons. It’s hard not to think about getting pregnant but we can control that. We can divert our minds to think about anything other than pregnancy. But when the people around you are the ones giving you the stress, getting pregnant seems to get even harder. It’s the outside stress which we can’t control at all.

I tried to keep myself calm and avoided thinking about pregnancy. It will come at the right time. I stopped going to the OB clinic and tried to enjoy life as it comes. My friends, family and co-workers are all very supportive of that. I wonder why other people, especially those you meet at the corridors at work, never fail to ask me if I’m pregnant yet.

“Are you pregnant?”

“Did you know that L got pregnant? And she’s like 42 years old? You need to catch up!”

“Hey! How are you? 3 got pregnant in our department already. You got married first. When’s your turn?

“R gave birth already. She got ahead of you. How about you?”

Then my best friend called and told me she’s pregnant.

My former colleagues started telling me the news which I already know and asked, “what about you?”

It makes me feel so bad about myself. It makes me feel that something is terribly wrong with me.

One acquaintance, in her 40′s, who just gave birth to her first child, and who never fails to ask me if I’m pregnant, got the answer she deserved.

“Stopped asking me, please.”

“Why?”

“How about you, when did you get pregnant?”

“After 14 years.”

“And you have the nerve to ask a newly wed everyday if she’s pregnant? You’re unbelievable!”

And so the pressure is back.

I wish I had a way to control my surroundings. That or I may have to start thinking about a witty come back for the question, “are you pregnant yet?”

2013

I started the year 2013 working, three nights from 31st of December 2012 to 2nd of January 2013. Does this mean I will be working all year round? Well, I’ve been working every New Year’s eve for the past 6 years since I started working in a hospital.

2013 passed by unnoticed. It was a very busy night. I just saw the clock at 12:25 am and shouted, “HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!” with my arms waving in the air. I received a response from a couple of people inside the ER then afterwards it was like nothing happened. Back to work. At 3 am I was able to have my break and ate alone in our pantry. I was the only Filipino on duty that night.

In the morning after my shift, I went straight to church where I met up with my husband, and gave thanks for all the blessings we received. We went home and fell asleep almost instantly. I still have to work night shift.

Today is my first day off of this year. I know it doesn’t make any difference. I just feel happy, that’s all. I’m thankful for each day of rest after work. I’m happy and contented on the way things are going. I’m not asking for more. I’m just hoping that I’ll be strong enough to face all the challenges that would come my way. I’m trying my best not to complain too much. Instead, I want to see the best in everything.

I may not have celebrated new year with my loved ones, but I’m happy that I have spent the new year taking care of the sick. Looking at Nursing as a job that pays makes a Nurse grumpy and unhappy. But looking at Nursing as a noble profession changes everything.

Looking forward for more positive vibes this year and all the years to come.

Cheers! 🍸

Squeaky Shoes

There he goes. That boy and his squeaky shoes.

I always know when he’s around. This squeaking little sound it makes like a rubber ducky being squeezed inside his shoes every time he walks by.

Squeak! Squeak! Squeak!

No need to find him. Just follow the squeaky sound.

Squeak! Squeak! Squeak!

It reminds me of this noisy children’s shoes. Or the noise a shoe makes when you get wet from the rain.

Squeak! Squeak! Squeak!

I wanted to buy him a new pair of shoes. The one where he can walk silently. Is he aware of the sound his shoes make?

But then again, I wouldn’t know when he’s around, would I?

Squeak! Squeak! Squeak!

And there he goes.

Once Upon a Time…and So the Story Goes.

As far as I can remember, I was always amazed with story-telling. My older sister would tell me stories at night before we go to sleep and I would be wide awake thinking about the story until I fall asleep. My Dad would let us watch Disney cartoons and would watch it repeatedly and I would never get tired of it. My Mom bought this audio book, Aesop’s fables and I would listen to it everyday until I would know each stories by heart. When I learned how to read, I would rummage through my sister’s and my brother’s bookshelf and open each book and would stay in their rooms with a book in my hands, immersed at the stories the book reveals. I would browse at my Mom’s collection of pocketbooks, Reader’s Digest, my Dad’s collection of Filipino novels, even our set of encyclopedia never fails to escape my curiosity. Each book, no matter what the subject is, be it Mathematics or Science, gives a story and teaches us a lesson.

I am not very particular with stories on how it is delivered (movies, books, audio, story-telling), as long as it catches my attention and brings me to places. Until now, just reading “once upon a time” keeps me attentive. anything that starts with a story would keep me concentrated.

I love stories. It keeps me happy and excited. It keeps my imagination intact.

And that’s how my love for story-telling started.

Mindset: Anything But Pregnancy

My blood pressure went back to normal. The Cardiologist told me not to think about my blood pressure too much. If I want to check, I should rest first before taking it, he said. And he’s right. My blood pressure is much okay after resting. My husband and I bought our own BP apparatus but ironically, we seldom use it. I stopped taking my blood pressure everyday, I didn’t go back to see the Cardiologist for my prescription (iron supplement), and I started eating unhealthy again. Well, I mean, once in a while isn’t that bad, I guess.

I didn’t go back to my OB-Gyn this month to check if I have an egg. Not because I didn’t want to but because of my work schedule. So this will be my third month of failing trying to conceive. I’m on the fifth and last day of oral antibiotics the OB-Gyn prescribed. So I will see her after 10 days. Right, and by that time, I have an unfertilized egg ready for the next cycle of menstruation.

My OB-Gyn also told me it would be better if I take the cervical cancer vaccine. But just when I have decided to take my first dose of cervical cancer vaccine this month, my colleague (who was assigned in giving the vaccine to the employees) told me that I wasn’t included in the list of employees who ordered the vaccine. I should just wait next year, she said. Great. Just great.

Mom said I need to stop thinking about trying to conceive. It’s giving me all the unnecessary stress. I wish it’s that easy. It’s like asking me to delete a part of my memory stored in the deepest recesses of my brain which activates itself without my permission. Like it’s a readily available information that pops up every time right there in front of you. It makes me think, question myself, and not doing anything about it makes me all the more frustrated.

Deep inside, I know it will come at the right time. I just needed to figure out how I can stop thinking about trying to get pregnant.

…

I think I will start by not blogging about it. 😁

Keep Calm and Drink Coffee

My cardiologist called me yesterday to tell me my blood result. Thank goodness everything is normal except for my hemoglobin. He said I’m anemic and I need to eat green leafy vegetables. He’s still waiting for my iron result to see if he would prescribed me with supplemental iron.

I don’t bother checking my blood pressure every now and then like before. I don’t want to preoccupy myself with my blood pressure anymore. I’m normal and I’m just stressed, that’s all. I started drinking coffee again. But I’m sticking with my healthy diet. There are just some things that I can’t give up.

After my period, I need to take the antibiotics prescribed to me by my OB for my infection. Then 10 days after the antibiotics, I will see her again for follow up check up.

I need to divert my mind away from the stress of getting pregnant and stress from work. I need a new hobby. Or better yet, I need a vacation. Right, in my dreams.

Stressed Over Pressure

I finally decided to see a Cardiologist, as advised by my best friend. She told me, why should I wait till I get pregnant? It would be better to prepare myself for pregnancy and avoid any complications, she said. She has a point.

So this morning, I went to see this Cardiologist referred by my nurse in OB.

The Cardiologist is an Arab, a consultant in Cardiology and Internal Medicine. He was very nice. He took my history, did the physical exam (I didn’t know he would also check my femoral artery and I was wearing my period undies!) and the ECG. He personally took my blood pressure manually. He asked me if I’m scared and I said I was, at that time. Then he asked me to relax for a few minutes then took my BP again. The result was lower than the previous. He told me my ECG is normal, my heart and lungs are both normal. It’s just probably stress (I knew it!). But he will order some blood test and I need to do fasting. He told me he wouldn’t prescribe me any medication. i just need to have a healthy diet (oookaaay…) and avoid any stress (like how?!).

Well, that wasn’t so bad. I just went to see a Doctor to tell me to relax. I guess I have to wait for my blood test. I’m expecting a high cholesterol and sodium level. I just hope my fasting blood sugar is normal.

Stress. I guess need to do some yoga. If a patient sees doing a mountain pose at work, it’s me being stressed by that patient.

Inhale. Exhale.

The Pressure is Up!

I almost thought I was pregnant. My period didn’t arrive early this month. I didn’t have my blood checked for BHCG. But I was almost tempted to buy a pregnancy test kit. There were no usual premenstrual signs. Well, except for some zit popping out of nowhere. But today, without any warning, my period came.

I wasn’t too preoccupied about getting pregnant this month because of my hypertensive episode. Whenever I go for my OB check-up, my BP shoots up. I wasn’t minding it as I wasn’t feeling anything. Besides, I’m thinking it’s either I’m just stressed or I have white coat hypertension, or it could be both. But the nurse told me that I should observe my BP twice a day for a week to see if there’s any difference. Maybe I should go see a Cardiologist.

I borrowed my friend’s BP apparatus and monitored my BP twice a day. Since I was already aware that I may get a high BP, whenever I take my BP, I always get a high result. It’s probably just psychological, or maybe I’m in the “denial” phase of DABDA. I know, I’m already diagnosing myself. I don’t want to see a Cardiologist. I don’t want to take any medications that would lower my BP. I don’t want to depend on any medication. So what I did was, I took it out on my diet. I ate fruits and vegetables, I stopped drinking coffee, I avoided eating oily foods. In short, I started eating healthy. But I have some cheat days, especially if I see that my BP didn’t change. There were times that I get a normal BP. But most of the time, my BP ranges from 150/90 to 130/80.

Now I’m scared to get pregnant. When my BP is this high, I may have preeclampsia.

I don’t know if I should be happy that I didn’t get pregnant this month. My plan to get pregnant will be like, my death sentence if I’m still hypertensive. So, I think I should just leave it all to God then. Maybe He has a better plan.

Not Another Egg Story

A month has passed of trying to get pregnant but failed. I thought if a woman has an egg, it can be fertilized right away. But no, I was wrong. A lot of woman I know says you can’t always have it on the first try. Besides, I was too preoccupied about getting pregnant, so they say, that it’s giving me stress.

Why does life make fun of people? Women who doesn’t want to get pregnant, get pregnant, and women who wants to get pregnant doesn’t get pregnant? Maybe I should start thinking the opposite way of not wanting to get pregnant, huh?

Alright then. I stopped thinking about it for a while and started having fun. I’m a coffee addict. But I stopped because it wouldn’t be good if I’m planning to get pregnant. So there goes my addiction again, consuming at least 4 cups of coffee a day. I stopped drinking alcoholic beverages. Once in a while ain’t that bad so I gave in. I’m not an alcoholic, mind you. But sometimes I need to unwind with my friends, you know?

A lot of women I know who got pregnant told me they waited for years, 7 or 10 years, before they got pregnant. I should just wait, they said. Hell, no. If I waited that long, I would have a menopausal baby!

See, I have an inverted uterus. I had a talk with my married friends and we got to discuss about it regarding positions, and no, I don’t even want to talk about it on my blog, thank you very much. I asked my doctor about it on my appointment this month and she just told me nonchalantly that, yeah, after the, um, action, I should maintain the “muslim prayer” position, as what she calls it, for about 30 to 45 minutes.

Whoooo-aaaattt???

I just want to laugh when she said that. She looks so serious. Wait, she’s not serious, is she?

Oh, and by the way, I have an egg again.

I wish myself and my husband all the luck on having a baby. Maybe I should start thinking of a Muslim name for our baby, hmmm…?